Posts Tagged ‘Motivation’

HALT

Saturday, March 16th, 2013

Halt

There’s an acronym used in self-help and recovery circles – I think it originated with Alcoholics Anonymous. When you find yourself feeling low, you’re supposed to assess yourself to see if you are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired – H.A.L.T. Any one of this four states can weaken resistance and put people in a vulnerable position.

I’m lucky enough not to have issues with addiction, but I think H.A.L.T. is a useful tool for pretty much anyone. I know that when I let any of those states get too far, and especially if I’m experiencing all four at once (which has been happening a lot lately), I sometimes make decisions that are counterproductive, even self-destructive. I deal with Hungry by grabbing huge handfuls of M&Ms. I turn being Angry inward and end up with migraines. When I’m feeling really Lonely, I isolate myself. And, of course, when I am Tired is when I most resist going to bed on time, much like a toddler. The relationship isn’t always linear, either – being Lonely or Tired can also get me reaching for the M&Ms. When I am feeling all four, I generally make poor self-care decisions – I don’t eat, sleep, or play well, and my mood gets pretty bleak.

I feel the need to add one important variable to this list: Sick. (Also In Pain, but “HALTS” sounds better than “HALTIP”!) When I am sick or in pain, good decisions become really hard for me. My plans and goals fly out the window. I feel helpless and out-of-control. Also, I develop a strange blind spot – I don’t realize at all that being sick or in pain is the reason for my emotional state. I came face-to-face with this yesterday – it was the day after my Remicade infusion, and I woke up feeling amazing. (This doesn’t always happen.) Birds were singing. Colors were brighter. It was like this.

I used to have all kinds of systems in place for times when I wasn’t doing well. I used to take methotrexate once a week, and because I knew in advance that I would be feeling terrible that day, I had a whole routine set to go. But my RA has actually been doing pretty well for awhile now, and even though this is a great thing, it means I get thrown for a loop more easily when things aren’t good.

It’s not just my own Sick that gets me down. I have a five-year-old son, and he’s been bringing all kinds of germs home from preschool. It seems like one or the other of us has been constantly sick for months. We just seem to pass the bugs back and forth, even though I know that’s not how it works. And when my son is sick, I end up home alone with him, day after day, getting run-down and exhausted. Not to mention that thanks to Remicade and the immunosuppression, and his normal five-year-old tendency to need lots of cuddles when he’s not feeling well, I almost always end up sick too. (That’s a topic for a whole other post – probably my next one.)

I’m struggling with how to make H.A.L.T. work under these circumstances. The idea is that you recognize how you’re feeling and take action to meet the need. It’s clear (although not always easy to do) that you need to eat if you’re hungry, sleep if you’re tired, etc. Anger and loneliness are a little bit trickier, but there are still proactive things you can do to address them.

So what do you do when you’re sick, or your kid is sick, and it’s relentless and constant and it’s depleting you in all of the other four areas too? What do you do when the pain isn’t responding to meds? How do you take care of yourself and protect yourself from coping mechanisms that aren’t helpful in the long run?

This question isn’t philosophical – I know people will want to respond by talking about faith or religion or positive thinking. I’m not discounting those things – it’s just not what I’m asking. I mean, what are some practical things I can actually DO in these situations? What are some things I can do other than reaching for the M&Ms or withdrawing into myself? How do you make yourself do the things that you know are healthy?

I really want to know. It’s clear that I need some new tools.

Butt on Bench

Friday, January 18th, 2013

(This title will make sense to you in a little while, I promise!)

Today I read this great post over at The Seated View. Lene writes about her goal of writing a book, and how to balance that goal with the realities of chronic pain. One of the goals I’ve set for myself this year is to write more, so this post came at just the right time for me.

About a decade ago, I read the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. The author talks about the practice of writing “morning pages” – three pages a day of free, uncensored writing done longhand first thing in the morning, a pure spill of thought/emotion onto the page. (Lene refers to a similar practice described in “Writing Down the Bones” by Natalie Goldberg, another book I’ve read.) This was before I had RA, so I was able to do the morning pages with no issues. A few years ago, I revisited “The Artist’s Way” and tried to do the morning pages, but found that there was just no way my stiff wrists would let me write three longhand pages first thing in the morning. The author was very clear on the importance of writing longhand, pen on paper, to activate the creative flow. So I wrote to her and asked if she had any thoughts on how to adapt this exercise for someone with a disability. I never got an answer.

Lene writes, “So what’s a writer with chronic pain to do? You mess with the rules to find a way that works for you.” And she’s right. I think this is something I haven’t always been willing or able to do. But I’m working on it now. When I set my writing goal at the beginning of January, I made a list for myself of different types of writing tasks and different ways to do them. This gives me options on days when I’m not doing as well, so at least I can do SOMETHING every day.

Lene also talks about the Dorothy Parker quote: “Writing is the art of applying ass to seat.” Which brings me to one of my other goals:

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The pianist’s version of Ass to Seat – what I like to call “Butt on Bench.”

Operation Butt on Bench has been going on for several months now. Before that, I was engaging in all-or-nothing thinking about my practice. I used to practice for at least three hours a day, and that hasn’t been possible for a long time – so I stopped practicing at all. For a professional musician, this isn’t acceptable.

So now my butt is on the bench every day, for ten-minute blocks. If it’s a bad day, I only do one block. Even on a good day, I take it easy – I am focused on building stamina slowly and carefully. What I do when my butt is on the bench also varies. For the first block of the day, and whenever I am having a bad day, I practice in exteme slow-motion. (This is good for the brain and the body, anyway – slow practice is highly recommended by a lot of musicians.) On a really bad day, I might study a score, watch YouTube videos of other pianists, or listen to recordings instead of playing. The point is to spend time being a musician every single day, for at least a little while.

It takes discipline for me to do this. It actually takes two different, opposing kinds of discipline. The first is the discipline of getting my butt on the bench when I don’t feel like it. The second is the discipline of getting my butt OFF the bench so I don’t injure myself or get into a flare. Both of these things are a real struggle for me.

Anyway, I’m grateful to Lene for sharing her thoughts. And I can’t wait to read the book that I KNOW she’ll finish.

Don’t Let The Door Hit You…

Monday, December 31st, 2012

Goodbye, 2012. I will not miss you.

It’s been a humdinger of a year. The last few months have been especially brutal. So much of what has happened has been outside my control; this is always a hard thing for me. Attitude is important, but the fact is, sometimes things are just bad. And sometimes it’s important to be able to say so. So I will: Many things this year have been bad, and I was unable to do anything about most of them.

I am ready for a new year. I will do my very best to fill it with good and wonderful things. I am counting blessings and concentrating on the things I can control.

I want to thank those of you who have stuck around and are still reading this blog! I will try to make it worth your while this year.

Inspired

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011

Every day I follow a whole bunch of blogs written by other people with chronic illnesses. Most of these blogs can be found on my homepage, in a sidebar called “Adventures in the Autoimmune World.” Since I don’t tend to leave comments as often as I should, some of these people have no idea how they inspire me, teach me, move me, or make me feel less alone. So today, I thought I’d mention some of the great ideas I’ve gotten from other people’s posts lately.

In honor of World Arthritis Day, Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy presented a challenge: Reclaim one thing. (You can read more about it by following the link.) In response to this challenge, I have decided to work towards taking back something that used to mean a lot to me: Irish dancing. I stopped doing it for practical reasons when I was first diagnosed with RA – I was having problems with my feet and it just became too hard, too painful. I stayed away from my dance friends and dance events because it made me too sad. Later, when my feet started feeling better, I still didn’t go back. I had simply gotten into the habit of thinking that I was limited, and I assumed that I wouldn’t be able to do it.

Now I want to challenge this assumption. It’s true that it might not work out. It’s true that Irish dancing isn’t necessarily the best thing for my joints. But I feel that I gave up too early and too easily. I don’t want to assume that I can’t do it – I want to KNOW whether or not I can.

One of the tools I’m using to work towards this goal is an online game called “Superbetter,” which I also learned about in a post by Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy. It’s in beta-testing right now, and out of respect for the programmer’s privacy, I won’t say much about my experiences so far with the game. In a nutshell, the game provides a framework to help you achieve health-related goals that you set for yourself. You can learn more about Superbetter here.

In this post, Carla from Carla’s Corner tipped me off to another great tool – www.myfitnesspal.com. This is a good FREE way to track your eating and exercise. I’ve only been using it for a little while, but they seem to have a great database of nutritional information. They also have a cool iPhone app, but I don’t have one – I still have a Dumb Phone.

Finally, WEGO Health has declared November National Blog Post Month. I’m too busy right now to do this, but some of my favorite bloggers are trying to post every day this month, and I’m looking forward to reading what they have to say. It’s made me think about participating in blog carnivals – something I generally don’t do. 

Anyway, I’m hoping that all of these ideas will help spark something in me. I’ve been feeling pretty unmotivated lately, and I really want to make some changes. I’m grateful for this community.