Where Have I Been?

Another one of my long radio silences. This one is harder for me to write about. Wren sometimes calls RA the rheuma-dragon, and I’ve been looking for a good name for the beast who’s been visiting me lately. I think I’m going to go with Depression Zombie.

Depression and RA seem to go together a lot of the time. Several other bloggers I admire have written about it, and I’ve appreciated every word. But when it comes time for me to write about it, I get stuck. For me, one of the symptoms of depression is deep shame about being depressed. When I’m not depressed, or when it’s happening to somebody else, I understand that it’s a medical condition like any other, and that you can’t just will yourself out of it. But when I’m in it, I can’t see this. Somehow it’s my fault, or means that I’m weak, or… well, the self-attacking thoughts go on and on.

While the Depression Zombie had its bony fingers in my brain, I happened to read this post by The Bloggess, and it is an exact description of what I was feeling. I love The Bloggess – she is awesome – and although she’s not really an RA blogger, she does have RA. And what she said about depression really resonated with me, especially this part:

When I’m in a depression I want to write about it, but I usually can’t. I’m too overwhelmed and paralyzed and exhausted. I end up writing 100 angsty drafts that never see daylight and I convince myself that no one cares.

Anyway, I hope Jenny (The Bloggess) won’t mind me borrowing her words. I just can’t seem to find them myself, and hers are pretty much a perfect description of what’s been keeping me away from my blog. Please read her whole post, especially if you are dealing with depression too.

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3 Comments

  1. Wren says:

    I do understand the dull, sticky mire of depression. I wish there was a magic word we could say, quick, to dispel it whenever it closed down around us, but there isn’t. There’s only time and acknowledgement. Here’s hoping that you’ll soon find your way out of it, and that the rheuma pain and associated disability is under some semblance of control. Sending warmth, comfort and patience your way…

  2. Carla says:

    It’s good to hear from you. I hate that you’re depressed. Please remember that there are scores of us out here in blogger land who are your virtual friends and who do care. That might not necessarily help with the depression, but hopefully it conveys a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s hard to write when you’re depressed (believe me, I know from personal experience). But please just post a “I’m still here” note once in a while if you’re not up to a full post. We miss you.

  3. Megan says:

    Thank you for sharing. I admire your courage. You have written the post I have wanted to but couldn’t for the past 4 months and you’ve inspired me to share. I hope you find the way back to your usual self and that writing and sharing is a step in the right direction.

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