The Stress of Wellness

A strange topic, I know.

I was doing very well for the past several months. It was starting to look very much like remission. I was able to go out and have fun with friends, to enjoy playing with my son, to go for long walks. I was even able to get back to Irish dancing, something I had to give up when I first got diagnosed. I experienced bursts of creativity the likes of which I haven’t had in years.

And you know what? It stressed me out.

For years, I’ve been telling myself, “If only I didn’t have RA, I would do this and this and this and this…” So eager was I to get back to “my life” that when I finally hit a point where it looked like I could, I was overwhelmed. So many possibilities! So many choices! So much pressure to seize the day, to make every beautiful pain-free moment count.

I danced, I sang, I played the piano, I fiddled around with my guitar, I jammed with a friend, I contacted old friends, I hosted a game night, I took long walks, I got errands done… And every night I lay awake, unable to relax, riddled with anxiety.

When you have RA, you know that there isn’t a cure. You know that the good times may not last. Sure, some people have remission that lasts for years. Still, even these people can wake up one morning, suddenly unable to move. I know one woman who had a 25-year remission, and the beast still came back. I’ve also seen this theme showing up on a lot of the blogs I read lately – people whose periods of remission, or something like it, have come to an abrupt end.

Anyway, it may be coming to an end now. I’ve been in something strongly resembling a flare for the past two days – low-grade fever, extreme fatigue, trouble walking, a big ganglion cyst on my left wrist. My interstitial cystitis, too, has been miserable after a very long period of quiet. I had to miss dance class tonight, to my heartbreak. I am hoping that this is just a bump in the road, that it will pass and I will get back to the state I’ve been (sort of) enjoying for the past few months. Stress or not, it has been so wonderful just to feel good.

Hard to say if it’s a flare, because there are other things going on – for example, recent lab tests showed that my adrenal insufficiency has returned with a vengeance, and I know that this can sometimes cause symptoms very similar to those of RA. (More on all of that in another post.) Either way, I’m no longer well. Maybe, oddly, this will relieve some of the stress?

Nah, maybe not.

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